Currents

The flood gates have opened.

The waters are rushing and I sit here, wondering…

Should I hold on tight and ride them, level 4 rapids.

Or

Should I let go and let the water overtake me and move more fully with the currents.

What does it mean, exactly, to drown?

What’s worse, drowning in the turmoil of a day-to-day not fully realized,

Or

Drowning in the rushing river of creativity and connection?

What IS balance. I don’t know how to surf. I know how to swim, for the most part. I know how to tread water. Oh yeah, now I remember…

I know how to spend hours in the water, imagining I’m a dolphin. Practicing somersaults. Handstands. Swan dives.

I remember that other world, under the water, with it’s own colors and sounds and smells, away from the shore of immediate reality. I was supposed to go to swim team practice every morning of that one summer. Instead, I lied and went to the pool, alone, and swam for hours by myself. I wasn’t lonely, I wasn’t even alone.

I was with myself--gorgeous, glimmering, gliding dolphin; magnificent mermaid; sinewy swan. I was with no one in particular and everyone at once, creating my own currents beyond holding on or letting go. I was just a girl, flipping somersaults, holding my breath in order to breathe.